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The ancient
art of raising children
There was a time in history that people raised their
children in such a way that when they were teenagers, they
were well on their way to independence. Those days are long
gone for most. I have always believed that through proper
teaching and guidance, my children could be ready for the
real world by their teens. It’s not an easy task.
The first thing that you must do as a parent is understand
that people do not like to be told what to do. It’s the
worst thing that you can do with your children. Many people
will disagree with me and that is ok. Understanding the
nature of the human being and what drives us is the key to
unlocking the minds of our children.
Rule one: Always give your children a choice.
It
doesn't matter what the condition is, always give them
options. Here is an example. My son knows what I expect of
him on a day to day basis. He has choices. If he chooses to
be bad, there is a cost for that behavior. The same goes
with good behavior. Choices allow your children to feel
special. They want to feel as though they have a part in the
decisions that affect their lives. We all want a vote in the
actions that are taken in all aspects of our lives. This is
true for even the youngest of people.
Rule two: Always have a cost and a reward for all tasks.
There is one
major philosophy in life that must be adhered to. For
everything we do there must be a reward for completion and a
cost for failure. This is the driving for all of mankind. We
have to have our eyes on something if we are going to put
any effort into anything. Look back at history and tell me
that we did anything that didn't come with some kind of
reward. And most certainly, every failure has a cost. Even
if that cost is time. Give you children a goal or let them
choose a goal rather. It’s the easiest way to get them on
the right path. Why fight with them when you can use your
mind to get them to do it on their own. That’s what I do.
Rule three: Follow through with all cost and rewards.
Failure to do
this is devastating. Do not promise something that you
cannot provide. It’s the crutch that can turn your children
against you. Remember that they are smart and they will
remember what you do. As you reinforce these behaviors, they
will begin to make better choices on their own. It’s the
greatest feeling in the world when you children correct you
on your behavior. Then you know that you are doing something
right.
Rule four: Give them space.
As a parent it
is hard sometimes to give you children the space they need
to make the decisions that your trying to teach them. I know
that I want to jump in and make changes all the time.
However, I have learned that they don't need me to correct
them. They will learn the lessons on their own. My son and
daughter like to fight over who gets to do what first. It’s
one of the oldest traditions among siblings that there ever
was. I have learned how to beat it. By using choices and
teaching my son what it means to be a big brother, I have
taught him to make the right choices to set a good example
with his sister.
Rule five: Nothing is off limits.
If we want to
treat our children as adults, then we cannot hold back for
any reason. There are many issues that I have faced with my
own kids that make me question everything. Our understanding
of people and their behavior is way off. My children, though
they are young, are brilliant. They can learn so fast. Once
you start teaching them the ways of adulthood, there is no
stopping them. For instance, my son thought that it would be
cute to curse in my presence. Now for most parents this is a
bad thing. However, I took a different approach to this.
First, I explained that those words were made up by people
over time with meaning that didn't represent good things.
Let's take the s word for instance. If you actually took the
time to find out where it came from and what it meant, you
would find that its ridicules. I will let you do the work on
that one. But for the sake of argument, it’s not a good word
in our society. I simply explained to my son that if he were
to use those words in school or around his sister, he would
be setting a bad example. Here is the kicker. I explained
that if used in school, I could get into trouble. First I
told him that social services would be called. Then they
would come to my house and talk with me and his mother about
how we raise him. Then I told him that he could be taken
from us if the offences were bad enough. Let me tell you
something, he never used any of the words again. He made the
choice (on his own, mind you) to not use them. He told me
that he had to do the right thing for his sister and set the
example. How wonderful is that! Now, every action that he
does around his sister is one that shows her the right
things in life. These are all choices that he makes.
Rule six: Know when to step in and how to do it.
There are
going to be many times that you will need to jump in and
make corrections with your children. When I say "make
corrections", that is exactly what I mean. Do not punish
your children for bad behavior. Make them pay for it. My way
of doing it is through conversation and loss of privileges.
This is a most effective way to handle them. Spanking is
good when they are too young to understand. When they get
older, it only traumatized them into submission. We do not
want that. We need to convince them that they have the power
to make the right choices for themselves. Once they start
doing that, its all over. They soon begin to question
actions they think about and decide if it’s good or not on
their own. My son will ask questions from time to time about
the validity of a choice, and I will advise his as I would
do. That’s about it.
Rule seven: Communication breaks down and now their
defiant.
I have to
admit, the only reason that me and my son or daughter have a
communication breakdown is when we become stubborn. Weather
they are or I am; it’s always one of us. As a parent, I have
to stop and think before I take critical action. I have to
ask myself if the communication breakdown is my fault. It’s
important to know. When you ask yourself, really mean it.
Evaluate what you are thinking and then put yourself in
their shoes. What would you want? Sometimes kids can be
difficult, but often times the problem is laziness on your
part. No offense to any parents out there. Here is an
example. You promised your child you would take them to the
park this week and its Thursday. You haven't done it yet and
they are starting to get frustrated and take it out on you.
They start yelling and getting out of control. Now the first
thing you want to do is so "fine, we are not going because
your not behaving!". This is not the right answer. Stop now
and think about it in their shoes. You would want the park
too. Instead of punishing them for bad behavior, talk to
them about why you have not gone to the park and reassure
them that it is still your intention to take them. Find them
something to do for the time being to get their minds off
the park. Don't just give in and take them either. This is
teaching them to misbehave to get their way. Instead, take
them out to do some shopping and then swing by the park on
your way home. You didn't give in and they got what they
wanted. Or simply talk to them and make sure that they know
your not
going
because of the behavior, but because you WANT to take them.
Rule eight: Children are often mini versions of you.
Know that when
they exert certain behaviors, chances are it’s also your own
behavior. Make sure that you’re not punishing your children
for something that you do or would do. Try instead to
explain that you try not to do that thing yourself and would
like to see them also try. I have a tendency not to finish
projects. Sometimes I get bored with them and just drop
them. So when my son does it, its not his actions that make
me upset, it is my actions in him that make me upset. So by
understanding this, I can be a better teacher and teach him.
I can explain to him my behavior and why I don't want to see
that behavior in him.
Rule nine: There is no limit to the teaching that you can
do.
It’s up to you
how much to teach them. My son is 11 now and knows how to
take care of himself. He can clean his room, make his own
means, balance a checkbook, run a small business and much
more. Ask me how I do it? It is easy as pie. It’s all a part
of keeping the mind working. I chose to teach him how to
start and run a small woodshop business. It involved
planning, money, cost, budgets, craft, time management, and
dedication. His task was to start the shop with one hundred
dollars (monopoly money). He then paid me for wood and his
expenses such as electricity. He had to balance his budget
and figure out costs. I had to help with much of it, but it
was a learning experience. Experience he uses in many
aspects of his life. He had to keep receipts that I gave him
for the wood and bills to account for the money. These are
all things that build their character. He also had to draw
and make the final product (with some help). We then created
a website to market the item. It was a great way to teach
him about the real world and what he could expect from it.
Now that he is getting older, I can see some of those
lessons come out. He has a club with his friends. They have
the rule book and many of the rules reflect that of the real
world. I am so proud of him.
Rule ten: Don't force your children to learn a trade they
want nothing to do with.
This will make
them run from you. It’s always been the tradition that the
son follows the father. From birth, they learn about what
you do through conversation and so by default, many believe
that is what they should do. My father is an engineer.
Though I know much about it, it is not my passion. Writing
and studying ancient ways are. He did try to encourage me to
study the art and I did. It just wasn't for me and
fortunately, he didn't force me to continue. However, there
are many people that do. This is a good way to loose your
kids' favor. Let them explore and learn a trade they want.
Talk to them. They know what they want. Try to encourage
them to better themselves all the time. Set the example
yourself and continue to better yourself. Be the leader
though example.
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